Surprised Blessing

I have had a difficult few weeks since Thanksgiving as I found two enlarged lymph nodes in my neck. I met with my oncology P.A. and it was decided that my routine PET/CT scan that was scheduled for January would be moved to December 14.

I was a complete mess for these weeks, short tempered and with less than zero tolerance for anyone or anything. I did not answer my phone nor respond to texts; I was insufferable.

I was terrified I had relapsed and if that were to happen so soon after chemo, my options for treatment would be significantly reduced as would my future direction regarding my health. My entire life would take a severe deviation in plans.

My appointment to receive my PET scan results was scheduled for December 21 and I knew I could not wait a week for my results. As it were, my moodiness was even more than I could handle.

I called the records department at the hospital, signed a HIPAA and had the report faxed to my office. The report read that there were no abnormalities and no signs of active cancer; I was still in remission. I literally screamed with joy from my office when I read this.

I will still meet with my oncologist as scheduled as we need to work through why my lymph nodes are swollen. I have had a few back-to-back infections and perhaps my lymph nodes are actually doing their job have swelled up because of it. That is what I am holding on to.

There was a notation on the scan report about my liver having some background activity. Regarding that, I am hopeful that is due to all the drugs that have been in my system for this past year. I know I am tired of them, and it would not surprise me if that is what my liver is trying to convey as well. I assume I will continue forward with my maintenance Rituxin on December 26 and will learn if that is the case at my appointment as well.

After reading the report I exhaled deeply a breath I had no idea I was holding. I learned through this scare that while I thought I was living with my feet on the ground so that I would not be too terribly blindsided if I relapsed, I had apparently allowed myself to float up to life above the clouds. In ways that is a wonderful place to be where nothing is wrong and everything looks bright and cheery, but in doing this it made for an extremely difficult past few weeks. I need to try to find a happy medium between too grounded and too lofty, so that I stay realistic but allow myself hope.

Physically I feel fantastic. I have been dancing several times, my balance is back, my memory seems to be more of a selective forgetfulness now, and my word searching issues are lessening at a rapid pace. In ways, I do not feel like I went through cancer or its treatment at all.

I wish you all an abundance of Blessings this Christmas and Holiday season. For me, I have been reminded again that my health and my life are only fantastic when I do not take them for granted.

I hope I say to you enough that you know I appreciate you all, I need you in my life and I love you.